A couple weeks ago I decided that it would be a good idea to go back to work to try and take some of the burden off my hubby and help out financially. I was not approved for maternity leave and have been not working since I was two months pregnant, so for over a year we have been living off of one income (not great for a couple who are used to spending). Leading up to today I had some concerns about going back to work and leaving my precious baby boy at home, but nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt leading up to walking out that door.
As I said the days leading up to today were pretty much normal. I mean I would think about not being with my son every second of the day and would get upset, but it would quickly leave my mind as he smiled, laughed or did something equally amazing in his mama's eyes. Then I woke up this morning and felt like I had been hit by a truck. It was like my world was coming to an end, and nothing would ever be the same again. For the last 8 months I have spent every day with my son and never left him with anyone for more than a couple hours, and never left him knowing that I couldn't return at the slightest thought of missing him.
We woke up around 9 as per usual and I was determined to spend every last minute with him before I went to work. And at this point I should probably mention that my first shift back was a two hour training seminar... I know it sounds crazy, two hours, and I am this upset... But it's true. I was devastated!!! I attempted to keep his "routine" as normal as possible, after all there was no need to upset his daily "routine". But I felt myself continuously distracted with the thought of leaving him for those couple hours. By his morning nap I had broke down crying twice and sent his father a text saying that I didn't think that I was going to be able to leave him. By the time that he fell asleep for his nap I wanted nothing more than to curl up with him and cuddle the whole time he slept, and believe me I thought about it. And then the reality set in that I had to go to work in a couple hours, so in the shower I went and got ready for work.
Again when he woke up, I wanted to spend every minute with him. So we played and read books, and before I knew it, it was 2 and he needed to have lunch before I went to work. My MIL was going to be here for 2:30 and I didn't have much time. So we sat down and I fed him his lunch... He ate just as good as normal and was as happy as can be. Then his father called... Well that sent me into another breakdown and the tears started flowing, poor Tomasso just sat there looking at me confused. Probably thinking that I was one emotionally unstable mommy today. Seeing the look on his face I quickly got myself together and finished feeding him his lunch. At which point I realized that I hadn't made any bottles, nor had I made a list of things that he needed or may need for the couple hours I was gone. Frantically I made the most ridiculously long list that I have ever seen. It listed everything that he had done, eaten, would want to do, would need to eat, etc etc. And I waited for my MIL to arrive.
When she got here I quickly gathered my stuff, and grabbed Tomasso got a slobbery kiss and went out the door half expecting to hear him cry or whine... Even a small cry. But nope, nothing!! And there I went teary eyed wishing I could turn around and walk right back in that door.
I get to work, and I feel not bad. A couple people ask how I am doing and I tear up, but keep it together. We get into the training groove and I am feeling pretty good about everything. I was scheduled from 3 to 5... Not bad two hours I just keep telling myself that I am ok and that I can do it. Well 5:00 rolls around and we are about 45mins behind schedule...
That's when I start to freak out. I started to get shaky and tense and just wanted to scream. I check my phone and have missed calls from the hubby which sends me into a frenzy. I was sitting there and felt like I couldn't stop moving and shifting in my seat. It was horrible, I started to sweat and feel sick to my stomach. Finally at almost 6 the training seminar is done and I quickly reset the table we were sitting at and Nello is there to pick me up.
I get in the car geared up to go home and see my precious little man and he drops what to me seems like the end of the world. He wants to do groceries quickly before going home... and the waterworks start just a flowing. I realized that Tomasso wouldn't have eaten since 3:30 and that he was due to eat his solids and have another bottle... All of which I didn't leave instructions for because I thought I would be done by 5. I started freaking out and begging to go home... Reluctantly he brought me home, and I couldn't get in the door fast enough!!!
I walked in dropped all my stuff and grabbed him from my MIL... I didn't want to put him down!! I had never missed anyone like I missed him while I was gone, and I have never in my life felt the love for anyone that I have for that little boy. His hugs when I got home made me feel like a million bucks.
Everyone tells me that it will get easier, and I am sure that it will. But today was one of the hardest, if not the hardest day of my life and one that I will never forget. For today I realized that my purpose in life was to be a mother, and unfortunately going back to work is one of the sacrifices I have to make as a mother in order to provide for the most important person in my life, my son.
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